


Keep Bleeding (Make It Stop)

by booksindalibrary



Series: blood wants freedom [1]
Category: Katekyou Hitman Reborn!
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Despair, Gen, Post-Canon, Self-Harm, Songfic, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-24
Updated: 2017-05-24
Packaged: 2018-11-04 05:40:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10984515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/booksindalibrary/pseuds/booksindalibrary
Summary: Tsuna wanted it all to end, but was too scared to make it happen.





	Keep Bleeding (Make It Stop)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



_Dame-Tsuna, dame-Tsuna, dame-Tsuna,_ the words spiraling down, down, fixing themselves in the corners of his mind, and never leaving. All too familiar phrases; he knew them better than he knew his own real name.

_Dame-Tsuna,_ and each time he swallowed it was like swallowing blades, cutting him open and spilling blood no one could see. Why could no one see?

No one wanted him, that was why. No one cared about him, he was _expendable._ It was already happening, Reborn fading away, Gokudera's eyes dulling and turning away, Yamamoto struggling to look him in the eye.

He had loved them, loved his family, but they didn't love him. So at first, Tsuna shut off his emotions, pretending this was _fake_ and none of this was _real._

“ _Closed off from love, I didn't need the pain_...”

Yeah, closed off, each door slamming shut in front of him and keeping him in the cold. But he wanted it that way, wanted to deaden his heart and move away from the sick feeling of hurt.

Tsuna clutched his chest, as though his heart would burst under the pressure.

“ _Time starts to pass,before you know it you're frozen..._ ”

Had he ever matured? Tsuna's hands were trembling, so much so that he couldn't turn on the tap. “Dammit,” he muttered, spraying himself with water. He was still the same Dame-Tsuna as he was in the start of this mess, and even being sixteen changed nothing. Still being kicked around, still viewed as no-good.

He was no good, he knew, but they didn't have to tell him. He could see it in his grades, could hear it in his mother's voice, could feel it every time he sat down to study and retched at the sight of homework.

The freezing water was warm to the touch and his body was cripplingly cold, and he couldn't die yet. Not yet. It was getting harder and harder to tell who to live for; but had he ever had anyone in the beginning?

“ _Keep, keep bleeding love...”_

Pink swirls, hypnotising Tsuna. That was better, he felt better now, the knives in his lungs magically leaving through the slit in his skin. This was a reminder of wanting to die but being too cowardly to ever do such a thing. Couldn't forget the scars, never ignored his  _own_ pain, not like everyone else.

No wonder no one 'appreciated' him or loved him or took the time to see the broken mess he had become. He was cowardly and stupid and weak. He could do nothing but be selfish, caught up in his head.

“ _Trying hard not to hear, but they talk so loud...”_

“Dame-Tsuna,” the faceless voices spat in his head, and Tsuna nodded in acknowledgement. “Too stupid to pass a single test,” and Tsuna couldn't argue back.

The voices rose and screamed at him, so loud Tsuna couldn't think properly, could only watch as his skin shriveled and his body wilted, curling over the brim of the sink, one hand clapped over his mouth to muffle the sobs.

“ _But nothing's greater than the risk that comes with your embrace...”_

He wanted someone to hold him tight and tell him it was going to be okay, that he could get through this god-awful feeling and survive. 

How had he reached the future timeline? The way this was going, he was going to end up dead and buried before he turned twenty.

“ _My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing...”_

His heart was definitely going to burst, Tsuna reflected absently, studying his own turmoil dispassionately. Each gasp for air punctuated by the pain in his arm, wishing he could just go a little deeper.

“ _Keep, keep bleeding love...”_

Reborn had been surprised that Tsuna had paid attention in biology, learning about what made humans tick. But that's because, for all of the hitman's strengths, he couldn't _see._ Tsuna had been so paranoid Reborn could tell what he was doing; that Reborn would see the scars and the broken glaze of his eyes and the way his body drooped whenever anyone else wasn't around. He couldn't read the thoughts in Tsuna's mind as thoughts of stopping the ticking were contemplated.

“ _I'll be wearing these scars for everyone to see...”_

Tsuna hid them, away from everyone else. The first few times he had messed up, left blood splatters on his sleeves.

“What's this?” Nana had asked curiously.

“Nothing,” Tsuna had denied, “just paint.” It wasn't paint, but Nana believed it, and then Tsuna cursed that naivete. _Mother, notice my pain,_ he cried silently, turning away. _Reborn?_ But the hitman only looked back to his coffee, blithe as anything.

“ _I keep, keep bleeding love..._ ”

Blood was everywhere, and in everyone, and sometimes it just wanted out. Tsuna was nice. He gave blood freedom. No one else could see this kindness, but it was there and Tsuna would nurture it.

And the song kept playing on his speaker, over and over, as Tsuna collapsed to the ground, one hand gripping the edge of the sink, the other limp over his legs. He had turned the tap off, but he didn't remember doing it. Blank eyes staring straight ahead, he allowed his mind to shut off.

No one noticed the cuts or the blood, so he didn't care about the mess he made. The razor was the only thing that didn't hold back, so Tsuna pressed it against his skin again, watchingly the blood trickle down almost lovingly.

The blood wanted freedom, and he couldn't blame them.

The song cycled again, and the lyrics brushed past his mind: _“But something happened for the very first time with you..._ ”

“Juudaime?” Gokudera asked from the front door, and Tsuna froze. No one was supposed to be home, no one, no one, _why was he here-_

He scrambled upwards, for the first time in months giving life to his limbs. He lunged at the door, numb fingers scratching at the lock-

Too late, and Gokudera was on the other side. “Juudaime?” He asked again nervously. “I am deeply sorry at intruding...”

Tsuna placed his hands against the door, breathing out slowly. “I'll be out in a moment,” he said, not daring to lock the door. That would alert Gokudera to something suspicious, and Tsuna had to hide his sin at all costs-

But the door opened, and Tsuna let out a shriek. Gokudera, face flushed like he had been running, eyes wide like he was trying not to cry, studied Tsuna and then the bathroom.

“Juudaime,” he said, and then stared at him. “...What...” The look in his eyes flickered, and Tsuna thought, with a certain amount of acceptance, that this was it. Gokudera was leaving, and never coming back.

Tsuna smiled blankly at Gokudera, forcing the light to return to his eyes. “Gokudera-kun? Why are you here?”

Gokudera swallowed thickly. “I'm sorry. I didn't notice.”

Tsuna tilted his head curiously, as though there wasn't a bloody razor on the floor and bandages at the ready by the sink. “What do you mean?”

And Gokudera slid to the floor, eyes locking on to the fresh wound. He grabbed his hand, Tsuna too slow to react in time, and pressed Tsuna's hand against his forehead. “Juudaime, I'm so sorry,” he said quietly, and _Flames_ trickled into his skin.

Tsuna froze, unable to comprehend his actions. He was _dame,_ he shouldn't waste Flames on him.

Deadened lips mumbled the thought, and Gokudera's eyes snapped upwards, burning with a fury Tsuna couldn't bear to look at. More desperate than getting Shamal to train him, more angry than when he was training with Bianchi, just – a frenzied madness bordering on hopelessness.

“Juudaime,” Gokudera said in a low voice. “I will follow you anywhere.”

Tsuna blinked at him absently. “Huh?”

“I would die for you,” he went on, his Sun Flames still working to heal Tsuna. “I would follow every command you lay so – if you have to, hurt _me.”_

Tsuna's posture crumpled until his free arm was clutching his gut. “Gokudera-kun, I-I can't-”

“Please don't hurt yourself,” Gokudera pleaded, wondering if he should grovel. Anything for Juudaime, absolutely anything.

Tsuna's legs gave way, and as he fell to the ground, Gokudera catching him. “But, I can't,” Tsuna mumbled, shaking his head. “I don't understand, I-” And his words disintegrated into sobs, each choking wheeze nearly breaking apart his body. “I don't want to live, Gokudera-kun, I want to die...”

And he fell forwards, Gokudera catching him and refusing to let go. Anything for Juudaime, he told himself silently.

“ _And in this world of loneliness, I see your face...”_

"It'll be okay," Gokudera mumbled, instinct telling him to say the words. "It'll be okay," he said, this time with confidence. "Juudaime, you can do this. The pain will leave."

The voices in Tsuna's head were fading, flooding down the drain with his blood.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Song: Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis
> 
> Prompt: TRIGGER WARNING (SUICIDE/SELF HARM) imagine: a suicidal tsuna being depressed because he thinks people don't appreciate him enough so he goes and cuts himself and in the background you hear "bleeding love" by Leona Lewis playing "you cut me open and i keep bleeding, i keep, keep bleeding love"


End file.
